


Sparrow

by perhael



Category: Blade Runner (1982), Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-17
Updated: 2010-09-17
Packaged: 2017-10-11 22:19:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perhael/pseuds/perhael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is made to take the Voight-Kampff test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sparrow

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an anonymous prompt at the **sherlockbbc-fic** livejournal community. I've provided the full prompt at the end of the fic. This one's for you, Anon.

"You are walking down the street when, out of the corner of your eye, you see a sparrow land on a railing just ahead and to the left of you. A real sparrow, not an artificial one."

Sherlock blinks.

"Please hold still," the man across the desk admonishes. "The machine needs to be able to measure your pupil reaction."

"Yes, I know how it works," Sherlock replies, annoyed. This whole thing is a waste of his time. He's already amused himself by deducing everything there is to know about the man in front of him—drab grey suit, long coat—policeman, but not a regular one. He's here subjecting Sherlock to an empathy test, so Blade Runner then. Heavy smoker. Had sex last night. Unmarried.

Blade Runner. Idiots, just like them to suspect him of being a replicant when he is _obviously_ human. If they'd learn to apply his methods, there would be no need for their little Voight-Kampff test.

"Am I supposed to be able to tell that the sparrow is real?" he asks. "I would be, of course, but I'm assuming this test is geared towards idiots."

The man in grey leans forward, interested. "Why would you assume that?"

"Because very nearly all people are idiots, and a test like this would have to be designed to produce accurate results in the majority. How much longer will this take? I _do_ have a case."

The grey man leans back, taking a long drag of his cigarette. "As long as it takes."

"Alright, then let's assume I realize that the sparrow is real, which is entirely probable. Now what?"

"You walk up to the sparrow, slowly, careful not to spook it. You can see now that the sparrow has an injured wing. You reach out, and--"

Sherlock rolls his eyes. "Your line of questioning is wrong. I wouldn't be reaching out at all; I'd be contacting Animal Control Services."

"You wouldn't be fascinated? You wouldn't want to get as close as you could to see what a real animal looks like?"

"Why should I? I've studied all the animals whose corpses they've stuffed up at the Natural Museum. I know what a sparrow looks like. I can tell you five unique signs of distinguishing a real sparrow from an artificial one. If I were to approach your hypothetical sparrow in the manner you describe, it would in all likelihood startle and fly away, injured wing or no. What good would that do?"

"Next question. It's your birthday, and your brother gives you—"

Abruptly, Sherlock turns away from the machine. "Would you stop it with these infernal questions? This entire exercise is pointless."

The Blade Runner frowns and leans forward again, his shadow looming over the desk. "I think it would be in your best interests to cooperate with me, Mr. Holmes. In keeping with your current score, there is strong evidence than you might be a replicant. Of course, we haven't finished the test yet…"

Sherlock studies the man for a moment. "You're serious," he observes, astonished. "You're not just saying this to bully me into taking your damned test… you actually think I might be a replicant."

The man across from him remains unflappable. "My superiors certainly suspect it. This isn't a random test, Mr. Holmes. You've been traipsing all over London, solving the seemingly unsolvable using frankly unbelievable sounding methods. You must have known your… exploits would raise a few eyebrows."

"Are you people daft?" Sherlock scoffs. "I'm a sociopath, not a replicant. If your machine can't tell the difference, then Mr. Voight and Mr. Kampff need to revise their methods and come up with something better."

"Sociopath, right." The man takes another long drag of his cigarette, then blows out a careful smoke ring while Sherlock fumes silently. "Alright, Mr. Sociopath. Next question. The bureau tells me you have an associate, a Dr. Watson. I will ask you again to hold still and answer promptly."

Annoyed beyond belief, Sherlock complies. He may find their little empathy test ridiculous and inadequate, but if he fails they will take it as proof positive that he is a replicant. In an ideal world, the fact that the police are too stupid to tell a sociopath from an android should not be reason enough to "retire" him, but in fact it probably will be.

There is no way to fake a Voight-Kampff test, though. Not even for the great Sherlock Holmes.

"Get on with it, then," he says impatiently.

"Alright. Picture this: you're at home, and you get a phone call from someone at the bureau. There's been a murder, they tell you, a rather gruesome one, and they'd like you to come over and have a look. You call into the other room for Dr. Watson, only to find that he is out, which bothers you because you could have used his assistance."

"Yes, yes. And this is going where, exactly?"

"Patience, Mr. Holmes. You take a cab to the scene, meet with the officer in charge, and are allowed in. He warns you that what awaits you in there is not a pretty sight. You go in, undeterred, smelling a mystery. You spare a brief moment to wish for the presence of your colleague, Dr. Watson. You enter the room, and--"

"Enough!" Sherlock slams his hand down on the desk. "I will answer no more of your questions."

The man grins with grim satisfaction. "Congratulations, Mr. Holmes. It seems you've passed the test."

**Author's Note:**

> Full prompt:
> 
>  
> 
> _BladeRunner crossover. Earth is more or less abandoned, the birds are dead, and androids are infiltrating the human race._
> 
>  
> 
> I want human!Holmes, but with everyone so convinced he's a Nexus 6 they set the bounty hunters on him. Of course he fails the Voight-Kampff test, but insists that that's because he lacks the emotional sophistication nessecary to pass it.  
> So the Bladerunner asks him what would he do if someone gave him a case made out of John Watson. The question makes Sherlock pass the test.


End file.
